When a relationship ends, we tend to look back at it with lots of unanswered questions. We often wonder what we did wrong or if we could have changed the outcome. We wonder why we weren’t worth being given the love that we were so willing to give to that other person.
We can see all of the mistakes we made so clearly, but we don’t always see the relationship for what it actually was.
I didn’t want to see the red flags, so I explained them away. I didn’t want to acknowledge your mistakes, so I forgave them and quickly moved on from them.I didn’t want to create tension by standing up for myself, so I blamed myself for everything that went wrong.
In doing this, I put you on a pedestal. I told myself that you needed saving and that I was the girl for the job. I told myself that the hard times would be worth it when you changed into the man of my dreams.
But, you never wanted to change.
You were never going to be the man of my dreams.
The things about you that I tried to explain away were actually the bulk of your personality. The red flags I tried to ignore were the undeniable core of your being.
I was missing you but not for the person you were. I was missing you for the version of you I made up in my mind. I was missing the possibilities of what could have been. I was missing the potential that I thought I saw in you.
I was missing you for the glimpses I thought I saw of our future and for the hopes I had that I could be a girl worth changing for.
But, I don’t miss you.
I don’t miss the way you actually treated me. I don’t miss the helplessness I felt time and time again when my efforts were for nothing. I don’t miss the reality of our romance.
And while sometimes, my mind still plays tricks on me and makes me think that I need you, I know that it’s just part of moving on and letting go of the things I thought I had.
I’m missing the things that you could never be for me. I’m grieving for a version of you that will never be. I’m coming to terms with what we actually were as a couple.
But, while you could never be the man I needed, I know that someone else will.
The man that I envision does exist, he just wasn’t you.